


No More Broken Heart

by Captainrogerthat



Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Alec Hardy Needs Help, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chronic Pain, Depressed Alec Hardy, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Graphic Description, Medical Procedures, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Post-Season/Series 02, Pre-Season/Series 03, Recovery, Suicide Attempt, Surgery, Therapy, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2020-10-17 04:11:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20614787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captainrogerthat/pseuds/Captainrogerthat
Summary: In the aftermath another case failure, Alec Hardy attempts to take his own life. A story of how two broken people found each, and begin the road to recovery.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: Graphic description of Ellie Miller finding Alec Hardy in the middle of an suicide attempt. Do take care of yourself, do not read if this context upsets you.

Ellie finds herself outside Hardy’s door. Danny’s case was dismissed, and Joe walks free. Tess called Miller when Alec didn’t appear for his surgery. Apparently, he’s not made any public appearances.

Miller briefly wonders if Alec is just being a broody shite, but concern hangs heavy in her voice when she thinks about how much pain he has been in lately. Now, she knows from talking to Tess on the phone that Hardy has been ill for months. She feels an overwhelming sense of guilt how she's treated him about not wanting to eat junk food or be social. Ellie wonders how much pain he's been in, how frustrated a lack of appetite or how might restricted diet might make a person feel crummy.

From working the Sandbrook case alongside Alec, Ellie has learned so more about her grumpy boss. No wonder he's angry and hurting, Hardy has been through a lot lately.Ellie knocks on the door of Alec's little blue house, hearing no response she breaks in. She can hear the car running in the garage. Miller has a sinking feeling in the pit of her gut that something is very, very wrong. It isn't like Alec not to show up to or just disappear without some sort of mysterious communication.

"You alright alright, sir?", she called out 

Alec doesn't answer. His breaths became ragged, struggling for every breath he takes. It feels like he has not enough air as his chest painfully contracts. His heart beat is erratic, and his vision blurs. His entire body hurts, and he feels like he isn't in his body anymore as the panic creeps in. Hardy is somewhere between here and there, struggling against the darkness that takes over his vision. He feels separated from his body, like he is floating on a strong wind. 

A pray on his blue twinged lips, “May Daisy forgive me someday.” His breath rattles as he begins to loose his ability to breath.

Panic seizes her limbs when she finds him in the closed garage. Ellie’s breath is taken from her as if she’s been punched in the gut. Her boss tried to kill himself today. She coughs, and Ellie covers mouth and stops the car. Her hand searches for a pulse, she finds a weak thready pulse. Ellie moves quickly to get the garage door open and oxygenate the space. 

"Come on you bastard, breath.", She pleaded, trying keep his heart and breathing going.

With rescue efforts, Ellie is able to get him breathing steadily again, and holds his head safety as he vomits. She clears his airway and leaves him in a rescue position while DS Miller scrambles for her mobile.Ellie calls for an ambulance, and scrambles to carry his frail body into the living room. Ellie wants to scream at him, but instead holds the broken man in her arms.

”Look you knob, I lost everything today. I can’t loose you too.”

With horror, Alec is taken from her and she clambers into the vehicle behind him. Alec's lips are still blue and his circulation doesn't look great even with oxygen support. The paramedic works quietly to try and stabilize him as they rush to the Dorset A & E. When they arrive at the hospital, a team works on Alec while Ellie waits in the waiting room.

She is still in shock, Ellie thinks as she paces the room. Their boss, Chief Superintendent Elaine Jenkinson comes by and asks Ellie to give a statement. They process Hardy's home, and assess the situation. After Ellie is questioned, she encouraged by a nurse to shower and change her clothes. When she returns, she finds Jeninson still in the waiting room. 

"How are you doing, Ellie?"

"He's my partner, Elaine. I had no idea he was hurting so much."

"You shouldn't blame yourself."

"I feel responsible. I didn't ask enough questions, he was miserable here, didn't speak about his family, or himself much."

"Alec will need need you strong, Ellie."

"What happens now?"

"Police are than than three times as likely to be suicidal than the general population. We have protocols in place to help him."

"Will he lose his job?"

"Not if he complies with the protocols and gets the help he needs."

  
"How can I help?"

"You're his partner, DS Miller. He'll look to you when he returns to work."

Jenkison squeezes Miller's shoulder reassuringly, and leaves the Detective Sergeant in the waiting room. Ellie notices Tess arrives shortly joining in her the waiting room. Ellie and Tess make eye contact before speaking to one another.

"You must be Ellie, Alec's partner."

"You're Tess, his ex-wife, right?"

"That's right."

"I'm so sorry.", Ellie offers sincerely.

"Me too. I can't help but wonder if I could've done things differently."

"I didn't know he was sick, Tess."

"Nor I realize how bad it had gotten."

"Do you know how he's doing?"

Tess nods, "I spoke the doctor. They were able to stabilize him and are moving ahead with the pace maker placement this afternoon. He has been exposed to carbon monoxide which is treated with oxygen support. "

"He felt like a burden, Tess. I don't know how we convince him otherwise."

"I won't lie to you, Ellie. I hurt him. I don't think he's a been a good head space a long time between the heart attacks, diagnose, the divorce, and Daisy coming to live with me."

"I want to help, Tess."

"It gonna take the both of us, I think."

Ellie nods, she and Tess ended up getting some shitty coffee from the vending machine. The two of them sit in the waiting room while Alec undergoes his procedure. They know it'll be a long couple of months. Alec's cardiologist recommended an outpatient cardiac rehab program designed for heart attack survivors who suffer depression. Neither Tess nor Ellie believe long term hospitalization will be effective for Alec. They don't want him to feel trapped or like he doesn't have a say. 

Ellie proposes they present a united front. Alec needs to know they'e both going to support him. Alec can stay with Ellie as long as he needs to. She'll make sure they're both going to therapy. Alec needs reassurance that he can still see Daisy regularly, that his job is still his and that the people in his life need him. He is not a burden nor are his medical problems. 


	2. Chapter 2

Alec comes too slowly, his whole head feels like it's underwater. He dreams of Pippa, struggling against the rushing of water. DI Hardy thinks of Danny's body against the sand with the crash of the waves in the background. Cases haunt him, they don't leave him alone until he finds all the answers. There is something dissatisfying about not getting justice for his clients and their families. The media hounds him, and every corner he turns Alec Hardy can't outrun the notion of being the 'worst cop in Britain.' It burdens him, weighing him down into his body is reduced to ash and dust. 

When Alec opens his eyes for the first time, the bright lights and annoying beeping of his vitals cause him to crinkle his nose. Hardy notices Tess is sound asleep on the couch in his room and Ellie is wearing one of his sweaters. Miller is reading a book quietly, she hasn't noticed that he is awake yet. He groans soft and screws his eyes shut again, thinking he woke up to his worst nightmare. His partner DS Miller and ex-wife Tess ganging up against him. 

He flexes his hand, finding himself cuffed to the hospital bed. The sound of metal rattling gets Miller's attention and she flips him off before returning the page of her book. Warmth floods his chest, Alec should've known Ellie wouldn't be the one to tip toe around him like broken glass. A laugh rumbles through Alec's chest which he quickly regrets. He feels sore, must've had surgery, he thinks, taking notice of the IV line giving him fluids and the bandage covering his chest. Guess, his attempt to die today didn't work out so great.

"A letter? Go try to kill yourself, and you leave me a bloody letter." 

"Don't start, Miller.", Alec's eyes are half open, he strains to keep them open and swallows thickly. 

"You knew I'd be in the court room."

"I'll give you money to shut up."

"I'll give you less money to be less of a knob."

"Eh, I still could've died today. Doesn't matter if by my own hand or a surgeon's scalpel." 

"I'm pissed at you.", Ellie makes eye contact. 

"Must've been the one to find me."

"What were you thinking, Alec?", she asks softly, voice breaking. 

"I don't have to burden you,Daisy or Tess any longer.

"You don't believe that do you?", Ellie sounds sad.

"I'm not needed, Miller. You'd all be better off without me being sick and needy."

"You look at me, Alec. I can't lose you."

"You're the only friend I got, Millah.", Alec whispered, his Scottish brogue thickening with the weight of his emotion.

"I don't think my heart could take losing you again."

"Did they fix my heart?", Alec asked squeezing her hand, surprising himself in the process.

"They put the pace maker in. It went swimmingly."

"No more broken heart?"

"No more broken heart."

It's a rough couple of days before Alec is released into Ellie's care. He signed an agreement promising not to hurt himself again. Both Ellie and Alec visit therapists before meeting up to go home afterwards. He begins taking anti-depressants his therapist prescribes him. After speaking with his daughter on the phone who was utterly distraught, Alec had an awakening. He had been genuinely believed they'd be better off without him. Now, he was starting to think over wise, and for the first time a long time feels maybe he doesn't want to die.

It doesn't mean the dark thoughts don't creep into his mind. Sometimes Alec is overwhelmed with guilt and regret about how he's handle situations in his life. Other times, DI Alec Hardy feels haunted by the darkness and heart ache of the cases he's worked. But it occurs to Alec for the first time in a long time, that he had grown too comfortable with death, dancing around with the finality of human mortality, in particular his own. 

The medication doesn't work instantly. It takes around four to six weeks before Alec really notices a difference. The first six weeks after the failed suicide attempt are some of the hardest weeks of his life. He was an asshole, yelling at his therapist, snapping at Ellie and failing to get enough sleep. At first, Alec just feels numb and angry, angry at himself for failing once again. He couldn't even manage to die!

Eventually, shame and guilt take root in his heart. It makes him sick to his stomach when he considers how much he hurt Ellie, Daisy, and Tess. Angry, shame, and guilt are what drove him to act in the first place. The reason he ran away to Broadchurch, stop eating, and looking after himself. The reason he refused to tell another soul about his heart condition, he didn't deserve kindness. The very reason he decided the people in his life were better off without him.

Therapy is just as difficult as trying to get the right medication and dosage worked out. Having to rethink and work through every negative thought he's had for years is not an easy progress. The brain is a muscle, one that is used to negative self-talk and dark thoughts. Alec works through some difficult stuck points, relives some of his most traumatic memories and completes homework assignment after homework assignment. Nothing about it is easy, and it requires Hardy to dismantle negative patterns of thought one by one.

Around week eight, Alec realized he had forgotten his capacity to dream and hope for the future. When Tess cheated on him, and the Sandbrook case spiraled into an uncomfortable divorce, he lost sight of prior wishes for his own life. For so long, Alec has been consumed by failure, guilt, regret and fear, he forgot that he was alive. He wants to see Daisy graduate, wants to walk his daughter down the aisle and hold his first grand baby someday. Alec Hardy does not not want to die, and he thinks he might just want to live for himself. 

One evening after the Miller kids have gone to bed, Alec finds himself lying on his bed in the guest room. He doesn't want to be alone, he thinks as the dark corner of his brain is kicked into overdrive. On autopilot, he pads down the hallway to Ellie's room and knocks at the door. She's just as awake as he is, given the how late is it, they both ought to be in bed.

"Ellie, can I come in?", Alec asks as the thinks how her name still sounds foreign on his tongue. Ellie insisted, calling her Miller at home is silly.

"Sure, Alec."

Alec realized how quiet they both were over dinner. Tuesdays and Thursdays are hard for them both, therapy days. At least, Ellie understands how difficult therapy is. He's not alone, not the only one carrying around guilt and living with a fucked up brain. Ellie has PTSD, she has nightmares and panic attacks about living with a murder. Alec has dual diagnoses of OCD with a hyper fixation on personal responsibility and depression.

  
"You okay, El?", Alec asks, sitting beside her.

"Just tired."

"Rough session?"

"They say week 8 is the hardest."

"Aye."

"Just hold me?"  
  


"Big spoon or little spoon?"

"You be the little spoon."

"Sure."

They end up in the same bed, the Great British Bake Off plays quietly in the background. Somewhere along the way, they both realized how much they needed each other. Ellie need a friend, and Alec was so touch starved he nearly cried last time Miller gave him a hug. Most nights they end up sleeping in the same bed, clinging to each other. It seems like they take turns having nightmares and smoothing one another. 

Their friendship quickly blurs into something achingly domestic without their realization. Ellie isn't ready for intimacy and relationships, not so soon after Joe. And to be honest, Alec needs to focus on his health. It's time consuming, relearning how to eat health after months of picking at food and not having much interest in food. Alec seems to thrive once medicated and admitting therapy. While he may never vocally admit it, being apart of an outpatient cardiac care unit has been great for his overall improvements.

They each bring their broken pieces, and baggage to the table, weaving together something new. As Alec lets Ellie be the big spoon, and he becomes the little spoon, he thinks he might've found something else to live for. A second change to be a better man, a better father, a better boss, a man willing to see what comes next. Even if it won't be easy, it's worth getting to talk to his daughter on the phone. It's worth playing with Wee Fred and teaching Tom how to fish. It's worth making Ellie smile, cooking dinner for the four of them, and telling Tess about that annoying thing Ellie does when she's upset, the way she crinkles her nose when she laughs.


	3. Chapter 3

Eleven weeks after Alec's failed suicide attempt, he returns to work for the first time. Ellie and Alec decided to go work together as Alec still can't drive after his pacemaker was placed. He knew it might provoke questions, Alec had no idea how to address his staff.

They had worked the scene of his attempted suicide, how was he going to look them in the eye? Honesty, DI Hardy thought, he knew the statistics about law enforcement and mental health.

His work and personal life had both drained him, almost killed him. It's a dangerous downward spiral, not maintaining balance between the job and your family.

He was quiet on the drive to work, Ellie noted, but then again, Alec was a pretty quiet guy. She could tell he was deep in thought, his eyebrows gathered together. When Ellie arrived in the parking garage, she watched as Alec looked at her and squeezed her hand. 

"I need you to know something, Miller."

  
"Sure, Hardy."

"I'm going to tell them the truth."

  
"Sir?"

  
"They deserve my honesty."

  
"I'll have your back, Sir."

"Thanks, _Ellie_.", he lets her first name slip out again. Ellie's heart thumps hopefully, he only calls her Ellie at home. At work, they're Miller and Hardy, at home Alec & Ellie, it's nice to hear they're still Ellie and Alec, even as they prepare to head into the office. 

"No problem, Alec."

The whole office knew how Hardy covered for a member of his team who bollocked up their entire case, how his marriage ended in a volatile divorce, and just how ill he had been for months.

No wonder he was grumpy, no one blamed him for not feeling well or wanting to be social. Even Brian felt awful for calling him Shitface behind his back. They all wondered if they missed signs, if they could've done something differently.

Alec puts on his bravest face and marches determinedly into the office. Everyone stops whatever they were doing when they notice DI Hardy back in the office. It's silent enough that the drop of a pin could be heard.

DI Hardy clears his thought, and he has everyone's attention. It's not often their boss speaks to them, usually it's just grunts and frowns. 

"I'll be back on the job today, modified duty until I get medical clearance. Does anyone have any questions?"

"How are you feeling, Sir?"

"Much better actually."

"I'm so sorry, DI Hardy, we shouldn't have called you Shitface."

  
  
"Can't say I blamed you, I've been a right ole' arse."

"Is there anything we can do for you?"

  
"If you need help, don't hesitant coming to me or our DS. Make sure you don't do this job alone, that's dangerous."

"Could we have done anything different?"

"Don't blame yourselves. I'm going to therapy, taking medication, and getting my heart checked out."

Alec gives them all a good scolding about working resaonable hours, taking breaks, and making sure they're all healthy. He leads by example from now on, working no more than 40 hours a week.

Ellie has to remind him, but he makes sure to eat and take his meds. Things in the office eventually find their groove again, Alec seems much more relaxed at work. 

Their blessed peace is short lived as Alec deals with new changes. Daisy has a row with Tess and decides to live with her Dad. It means enrolling her in school and making space for both Hardy’s at the Miller House.

Ellie and Alec reel after the Sandbrook case is scheduled to be heard in court. The news attention is back on Sandbrook and in particular, Alec Hardy’s whose absence in the West Sussex police force is noted.

The media has questions about Hardy’s nearly three month absence from work. Hardy’s anxiety begins to spiral out of control.

An uptick in nightmares and insomnia occur first. Hardy doesn’t sleep much these days. Not as he’s hoping and praying for The Sandbrook case to come to a close. He wants justice for Pippa and Lisa. 

Alec can’t remember when the tightness in his chest returned. He found himself having a full blown panic attack in his office on more than one occasion. He had flashbacks of drowning and episodes where he forgot to breath. 

Somedays, he thinks about flinging himself off the Broadchurch cliffs. On the hard days, Alec makes sure he isn’t alone.

He reaches out to Ellie on more than once when the urge to die crosses his brain. Hardy reminds himself that his brain is a muscle.

His brain relies on muscle memory when he is distressed suggests death based old habit. DI Hardy does not want to die, the four beautiful people he loves need him. He thinks of Tom, Fred, Daisy and Ellie.

On the night before Lee Ashwood’s trial, Ellie finds him on the beach, sitting in the sand. Alec is barefoot and freezing his arse off.

Red eyes, tears and tear stained cheeks give him away. Ellie in her ridiculous orange coat, drapes a blanket around Alec’s shoulders. 

She tells him stories about the lighthouse keeper’s wife. A sailor adrift at sea couldn’t find his way home one stormy night. So his wife climbed to the top of their lighthouse and made sure the light guided him home. 

She promised to be a beacon of light guiding him home again. Alec realized again how much he loved her. 

Alec reminds himself healing is not a destination, but a long journey. He knows it won’t always be easy, and keeps fighting, fighting to come home to his light house keeper, Ellie. 

She keeps him on on the horizon even in the worst of storms. Things seem to get easier when Ricky, Claire, and Lee are all convicted as guilty in the eyes of the law for the murder of Pippa and Lisa.

Alec carries a lot of guilt, his cases become apart of him. For years, he carried a picture of Pippa in his wallet. The trauma of Sandbrooke tore apart his family and his health. 

He still can’t look Beth or Mark in the eye. But DI Hardy keeps fighting, for Danny, for Pippa, For Lisa. Alec fights for Daisy, Fred, Tom and Ellie.

* * *

Alec’s world begins to shift and it all centers around being in the healing presence of the Miller-Hardy. gang. He adores Ellie, Tom, Daisy and Fred. They’ve become a family, settling into a sickeningly sweet routine.

Alec cooks meals, helps kids with their homework and puts Fred to bed. He’s domestic and soppy with his affection. Hardy spoils his kids with weekly outings and dotes on Ellie.

Ellie and Alec take things slowly, one day at a day. They explore this new thing between them carefully. 

It begins with tentative kisses and brief, tender touches. They cuddle and cry a lot. They spent time as the five of them. Alec takes Ellie on dates. They don’t name their affection for one another yet.

But the couple is constantly drawn into each other’s orbit. Alec thinks of Ellie’s story about the Lighthouse keeper and his wife. It’s a perfect analogy for how he feels about Ellie. 

Ellie and Alec begin to share a bed. They aren’t interested in sex. Between Ellie’s trauma and Alec’s low sex drive due to his anti-depressants, they aren’t interested. But there are plenty of other ways to be intimate. 

It’s their shared life that feels most intimate. Alec washes dishes every night with Ellie. They watch the Great British Bake Off. Every night, they both read before bed.

They co-parent at home and solve crimes jointly at work. It’s their normal, their pacing, their timing.Something about being Ellie and Alec is as easy as breathing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec's ICD shocks him for the first time, it leaves everyone shook up.

Nearly six months after Alec's suicide attempt and pacemaker surgery, it's like he is a whole new man. Ellie has never seen him so health before, he radiates with life and joy. Their grumpy Alec has soften, he's tender and affectionate. Alec teaches Daisy how to cook, reads wee Fred bedtime stories and proudly cheers for Tom during football games. He sweeps Ellie off her feet, day by day their love grows for one another. With their children's blessing, Alec and Ellie officially become a couple.

It takes six months of healing, therapy, and medication adjustment before they're sexually active. Alec feels like a newlywed, he and Ellie are frequently unable to keep their hands off one another. Some days, Ellie wants to snog and snag his brains out. Other days, she can't, just wanting to be held against his chest. Hardy doesn't mind one bit, he loves Ellie and all the different ways he can be close to her.

The little family of five moves into a bigger house, one that allows them all to have more space. Freed from the memories of Joe, Ellie seems to thrive and loves decorating their home as a family. They choose paint colors and decorations as a group. In the hallway hangs a family picture, their first family picture on the beach. Alec actually is smiling, and laughing in several of the pictures Daisy took of him. They're unbelievable happier, the children seem to adore each other and thrive in school, all three of them.

Tom, Fred, and Daisy have all grown protective of each other. Tom and Daisy fight over the bathroom in the mornings when they get ready. Daisy has become quite the big sister, ruling their roast as the oldest. Wee Fred has taken to calling Daisy is sister, and Tom is in a agreement, it feels right. Ellie can't help but feel like maybe this was meant to be all along. 

Most Saturdays, Alec treats his family to an outing. In the past, they've gone to Tom's football matches, out for fish and chips or hiking. Feeling particularly good, Hardy decides to treat his family to a day at the beach. It's good weather for a swim, and he changes into a pair of navy trunks. Alec wears an unbuttoned orange shirt, displaying his hairy chest and faint pacemaker scar. It's nice to see him so relaxed and causally dressed, a rare sight. 

Ellie wears a mouth-watering black bather that clings to her curves. It takes a lot of restraint from Alec not to devour her breasts on sight. He didn't want to scare the children so he was well behaved despite that nagging thought in the back of his brain. He caries a picnic basket and holds wee Fred's hand as they walk from the house to the beach. Ellie has the beach umbrella and the beach towels. Daisy carries the beach ball, and Tom's job is to carry the ice chest.

They sit up camp, and make sure everyone is sunscreened up before the family breaks. Alec puts Fred in his lifejacket and floaties, watching him play on the beach for a bit. Daisy and Tom play in the ocean, splashing each other while Ellie takes her time wadding into the water. Alec was unafraid of the water today, happy to get his toes wet and go no deeper than chest length. He sticks close to Fred, making sure he doesn't get into any trouble.

They all laugh, splashing each other for a bit. After lunch, Alec and Ellie get drawn into playing a game of football on the beach. Tom kicks the ball to Alec who rushes to make contact and keep it way from Ellie. He gets caught up in being competitive, as Alec runs across the sand. Alec stops, he suddenly feels light headed and disoriented. Once the shock is delivered his entire body seizes suddenly. He groans as his limbs flail about and he glups for air desperately. 

He closes his eyes, resting his head against the sand. Hardy feels like his head is underwater, and he can barely make out the voices around him. He can sense their distress, Fred is crying. Ellie is shouting at them to keep way, Daisy pleads with her Dad not to die. Tom watches helplessly, and tries to soothe wee Fred. Alec tries to ground himself, taking shaky grounding breaths. 

Ellie kneels beside, she doesn't want to touch him without permission. She talks softly to Alec, and tries to reassure him while Daisy phones the doctor. The cardiologist advises him to bring him to the A & E to make sure Alec is alright. Given it's the first time the ICD has shocked Hardy, they'll have to reset the pacemaker and make sure Alec is okay. It can be very scary to be shocked for the first time. 

Alec places his hand on his belly, taking deep breaths until the world comes back to him slowly. It all becomes clear again, he looks at four sad, scared faces and tries to reassure him. His chest still hurts, feels like he got kicked in the chest by a horse. It makes his breaths pained, but he thinks he will be alright. Tom helps Alec onto his feet gently, Daisy gathers the items they took to the beach. Ellie has Fred on her hip. Alec leans against Tom, and they limp slowly back to the car. 

It is a slow walk back to the car, up the hill and to the passenger's side. He's so fucking tired, very step is labored and Hardy is dead on his feet by the time they get to the car. It's a whole ordeal to get Alec's tall, noodle limp body into the passenger's seat. Tom even buckles Alec and tucks his feet into front of him. Daisy presses a concerned kiss against her father's forehead and draps a towel over his wet body. 

Ellie drives as fast as she legally can to the Dorest A & E. Alec is taken from them, and the family is asked to wait in the outside the ER Bay. Hardy's ER doctor followed up with Alec's cardiologist over the phone. A battery of tests are conducted, and the ICD is reset after the initial shock. They monitor Alec's heart for a bit before ruling out a heart attack. 

Ellie tries to soothe and reassure all three of the children. All three of them are all three teary eyed, concerned, and asking after Alec. It's hard not to panic, Ellie doesn't know what to expect, doesn't know what to think. Is Alec dying? Did he has a heart attack? Is he going to be okay? It's nearly two hours before the doctor comes to speak to Ellie, who is currently listed as Alec's next of kin. 

"Family of Alec Hardy?", the doctor calls. 

"That's us.", Ellie stands up nervously. 

"I'm Dr. Davies."

"Ellie Miller."

"Why don't you and I speak in private?"

"I'll be right back, kids.", Ellie promises kissing each one of the children's foreheads. 

Ellie and Dr. Davies step into the hallway, far enough they could talk, but close enough Miller had an eye on the kids. 

"Alec is going to be fine. We didn't expect him to be so active. We readjusted the ICD to make sure it accounts for his activity level, stamina, and heart rate."

"What happened today?"

"He had a mild arrhythmia, probably just a fuke Alec happened to be active today."

"Can we take him home?"

"Let the kids see him. I'll gather discharge papers."

  
Ellie is given a some leaflets with information about the ICD and daily life. She returns to her children's side and tries to explain to them what happened today to the best of her ability. 

"Is Alec going to be okay?",Tom asks.

"He had an arrhythmia. Alec's heart was beating too fast, and the ICD shocked him. They didn't expect him to be so active!"

"Will that ever happen again?", Daisy asked quietly.

"I wish I knew, love."

Ellie reassures them that whatever happens they'll face it together. But for now, Alec is going to fine and they're allowed to see him. Alec is sitting up in a hospital bed wearing scrubs, oxygen prongs in and two sticky heart monitors attached to his chest. He's wearing a pulse ox, and getting IV fluids, the doctor wanted to be totally sure that he was going to be fine. 

"Dad?", Daisy's voice broke. 

"Come here, darlings." He holds all three children.

"Awec.", Fred says softly as he clings to Alec. Alec has his arm around them and whispers reassuringly loving things. Hardy gives the children hugs and kisses, he can sense how scared they still are. He ends up being affectionate towards all of them extra today, and Ellie too, given how wound up they are. Once Tom, Daisy and Fred feel more secure, Alec gives them money to find a snack. They all needed to eat, and Ellie needs a few minuets to steady herself.

While the kids are downstairs finding a snack in the caf, Ellie cries and Alec holds her. She presses her face against his skin, and Alec's hand plays gently with her hair. He just holds her close and gives her a moment to compose herself. She had done so well to put on a brave face for the children. They can let their guard down now, it's just Alec and Ellie. Both are well aware of how scary today was, and thankful for the ICD to have done it's job.

"You're not allow to bloody die on me, ya knob.", Miller pokes Alec's arm. 

"I'm not going anywhere, lass."

"Oh, I never asked how you are feeling.", Ellie sniffles.

"I'm bloody fucking sore. Still feels like I got kicked in the chest."

"You didn't say anything when we all wanted held. Oh god, we're terrible."

"Hugs and cuddles don't hurt, El. They make things better.", Alec reassures, "Besides, I offered hugs and affection. I know my own limits."

"Emotionally, how are you holding up?"

"I realized how much I love of all you. I want more picnics, days at the beach and football matches.", Alec admits, he doesn't want to die. Today could've been so much worse.

"I bet it's scary to receive a shock."

"A little, yeah. I didn't feel poorly until I did, real sudden, and then I was on the ground."

By that evening, Alec is allowed to go home. He leans against the window of the passenger side and closes his eyes. His children are loudly singing to 'Somebody to love me' by Queen. Ellie is holding his hand as she drives them home. It's nice, pleasant even, Alec's overwhelmed with emotion at the moment. Between feeling so bloody lucky to be alive, and realizing how much he loves their little family, Alec is drained a bit.

They pull into the driveway and the kids jump out of the car. Ellie and Alec make a slow, steady walk from the driveway to the house. Ellie and the kids eat pizza for dinner while Alec has a grilled chicken salad sandwich. Everyone is too tired for their usual evening of board games, telly and video games. The kids all go to head an hour earlier than usually, so the couple decides to do the same. 

Alec changed into his pjs and climbed into bed with Ellie. She just held him, they were both nearly asleep when the bedroom door opened. They both sat up, surprised, and found wee Fred with his teddy bear and thumb in his mouth.  
  


"Awec."

"Come here, lad."

Fred climbed into the middle of their bed and demanded cuddles from them both. It isn't long before the door opens again and reveals the older two children. Ellie and Alec happily made room for them both. The couple looked at each other and smiled softly.

"Come here, guys.", Ellie offers.

Alec and Ellie finally finally asleep with once their children are settled.


	5. Yesterday Was Hard On All Of Us

Alec wakes up with a smile on his face. His children and love of his life snuggled in one big bed together. A sense of happiness overwhelms him, he quietly allows himself to climb out of bed. Hardy doesn't want to wake his family, and slithers downstairs to make a cup of tea. A flood of emotion overcomes him as the warm tears pricks at his eyes. He feels the rise of panic taking over. His hand struggle for the mobile phone in his pocket. 

Slumping against the fridge Alec calls his therapist, and he is flooded feelings of shame, sadness, and guilt. Alec has never called her before, and his therapist answers on the first ring. He is hyperventilating, and Hardy is prompted through a grounding technique until his breathing steadies. Part of him wants to jump of the Broadchurch cliffs and avoid dealing with the feelings settling in the pit of his gut. The rational part of Alec makes a plan with his therapist. The whole you thought about how you could've died yesterday but you didn't. It's a scary thing, living is so much harder than dying.

They agree to meet and go for a walk this morning. Alec promises not to hurt himself, and remains on the line with her. He quickly scribbles a note to his family and grabs his coat, a new coat. DI Hardy had been wearing his beloved black coat when he tried to take his own life. Ellie and Alec thought it was a good idea to get new coat. He now wears a blue puff coat similar to Ellie's orange one.

Alec tries to let the motion of walking down to the beach calm himself. He meets Dr. Beatrix Jones on the beach and they sit in the sand, listening to the waves crash against the sand. She offers him a tissue, and lets him cry, oh god, Alec didn't know he just needed to cry. Alec cries for such a long time, he doesn't remember the last time he cried like this, maybe never? He didn't cry like this when Tess cheated on him, losing custody of Daisy, the divorce, nor when the tabloids dragged his name through the mud.

When the doctor gave him months to live without treatment, Alec saw it as goddamn relief. He won't have to continue being a failure as a husband, father or DI. He was a ruined man with no chance of redemption in sight. Hardy exiled himself to Broadchurch as a penitence for failing Daisy, Pippa, and Lisa. Then for failing to secure justice for Danny, the Latimers and the Millers.

Then he fell in love with Ellie Miller and her boys who deserved someone to do right by them. Oh, how Alec loves Ellie, her loud voice, her curly hair, how assertive she is. Ellie drives him up the hall. He likes holding her hand, watching Bake Off, and cuddling. His heart swoons when he thinks about kissing her lips or making love to her in the wee hours of the morning. 

Alec adores watching their children interact. He thought he'd never see Daisy getting to be a big sister and ruling the roost. DI Hardy loves Tom's tender, protective spirit as he cares for his mother and little brother. Wee Fred's little voice calling him "Awec", demanding attention and giving so much love has been healing. Alec wouldn't mind spending the rest of his days chasing after Wee Fed and listening to his older children bickering.

Dr. Jones doesn't rush him, they sit in the silence. Alec has always been a quiet, intensely private man. Alec sniffles, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his tee shirt. He begins to take deep, steadying breaths. He must be working through a ground technique, after some time has passed, Hardy seems steadier. 

Once he has a grip on his emotions again, Dr. Jones prompts him to talk, "Can you tell me what lead to this morning's panic attack?"

"My IDC shocked me yesterday. I think this morning I realized how I could've lost everything I've gained."

"How did your IDC shocking you made you feel?"

"Helpless Everything happened so quickly, and I-i couldn't do a damn thing about it."

"What could you do to not feel helpless?"

"I can see my doctor, take my medicine, and sit down with my family. Talk them through a leaflet of what life with an IDC might be like."

"I must ask. Do you have any thoughts of hurting yourself?" 

"I'd really like to hurt myself. Make my heart stop hurting and force my body to focus on another pain."

"What is your safety plan?"

"I called you didn't I?"

"That's right, Alec. A step in the right direction."

"I can tell Ellie, she'll distract me, keep me grounded."

"Have you sat down with her and the children yet?"

"No, I-I should've... eh, things have been going so bloody well."

"Recovery is not a destination, but a journey, Alec."

"But I failed you, the moment I thought about hurting myself."

"No, you are not backsliding. Your brain is a a muscle, and we're trying to break maladaptive cycles of thinking." 

"You can do this, Alec."

"Do you mind going with me?"

"It's a bit unorthodox, bring your therapist home to the family. But I don't mind."

"I'm afraid the children will be upset. I've been thinking they might need to see a therapist as well."

"I could recommend a family therapist from the office to see Tom and Daisy." 

"Please, I think this will be a lot for them to process."

"Let's get you home, Alec."

Dr. Jones helps Alec up and they walk back to the house. By the time Alec slips through the backdoor, he finds everyone awake and at the kitchen table. He was gone longer than he planned, over two hours. How strange time passes when you disassociate, panic and have a talk with your therapist on the beach. He is meet with 4 pairs of eyes looking at him with concern. Everyone is on edge after the IDC shocked Alec and they spent the afternoon in the A & E. 

"Where have you been?", Ellie chided. 

"The beach. I needed a moment.", Alec's voice is shaky, uncertain. Dr. Jones does not intercede, but clears her thought to announce her presence.

"You should've left a note."

"Ah, must've slipped my mind."

  
"We were worried sick."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't ever scary me like that again."

"I promise, love."

"You look terribly shaken.", Ellie pouts. 

"A little yeah. Why don't we all sit down in the living room?", Alec watches the faces of his family. They all seem to agree, following his lead into the living room.

Ellie is still rather cross with him. Daisy is concerned, and Tom looks rather defensive. Wee Fred chooses to hid his face against Ellie's shoulder. And Dr. Jones is watching with neutral body language. Alec looks to Dr. Jones, his look gives her permission to speak before he does. 

"I'm Dr. Jones, Alec's therapist. I'm afraid he woke with a terrible fright this morning. He called me and we went to the beach. It's a part of his safety plan to he doesn't hurt himself."

Everyone has a solemn look on their face now, and all eyes are on Alec. 

"I wanted to hurt myself this morning."

"You are not going to leave us.", Tom roared angrily.

  
"That's right, lad. I don't want to die."

"Then why do you want to hurt yourself?", Daisy asked, her voice quivers.

"I've been suffering depression for sometime. My brain's initial response is to hurt myself so my heart doesn't hurt so bad."

"How can we help you?", Ellie asks softly, unsure of how she herself is feeling.

"I need distracting today. Keep my mind off things, stay grounded."

"Can you walk them through your plan?", Dr. Jones asked.

  
"Well, the first thing is that I told you how I was feeling. Next, I called Dr. Jones, and I took my Zantac. Now, we keep me busy, make sure I'm not alone, and that I have no access to anything that could hurt me until the feelings pass."

Dr. Jones says goodbye to the family after she is sure everything is settled. As expected, Tom is angry and Daisy is terribly sadden by this. Ellie is somewhere between anger and sadness. Fred is too little to understand, but feels to be clingy, noticing everyone else's emotions. 

Alec has written out his safety plan and talks the family through it. Today they have a quiet day, watch Bake Off, cuddle, and stay in their pjs. For dinner they'll order out, and take it easy. Alec is not to be by himself today, and Ellie does a sweep through the house to make sure he can't hurt himself. The kids react about how he expects. Tom is angry, and Daisy is sad. Ellie struggles to not be overbearing or angry, she oscillates between being a mother hen and wanting to throttle Alec herself. 


	6. Loves Makes A Family

Epilogue 

Bloody fucking hell, Alec loves Ellie so much it makes his chest ache. He didn't know it was possible to love someone with your entire being. Sure, he's been in love before, but this feels different. The way they love each other and their children cannot be put into words. It's a feeling, someone might feel when a baby is born and takes their first breath. An incredible wave of love and warmth that roots into the very esscense of one's person.

Life isn't any easier, Alec finds out for himself in the first year after his suicide attempt. No having a healthier heart, taking medicine, and going to therapy make things better. But there is no cure. DI Hardy is okay with that, he thinks to himself. He tries to keep a routine, one that begins with a morning jog. Exercise and healthy eating go a long way in making him feel better. He's gained fifteen pounds and finally filled out the emptiness of his own clothes. A hair cut and a trim beard with an improved wardrobe. He ditches the suit at home for a well loved navy college sweater and a pair of jeans.

No one calls him Shit Face anymore, no, around the office, he's known as Mr.Mum. When he is not working as DI Hardy in the office, Alec can be found spending time with his three children. Ellie is expecting a baby in June, and Hardy couldn't be more happy. They aren't sure if they're going to marry, for now, they've agreed to take it one day at time. They both have strange feelings about a ceremony, all the pomp and circumstances. 

The little family spends a lot of time with the Latimers. It has become common for Daisy to be at the Latimer house or Chloe at the Miller-Hardy house. Beth is a comfort and constant presence in their life. When Alec can't seem to help Ellie, Beth can in ways he'll never understand. There isn't a day that doesn't go by, Alec ceases to think about Danny. He finds a sense of guilt for the role he played in Joe Miller walking away a free man. Only if he had gotten help sooner, listened to his doctor and looked after his body. Sometimes Alec still dreams about Danny's body on the beach or the weight of Pippa in his arms.

On Sundays, the family attends church at the local parish where Rev. Paul Coates preaches weekly. Alec has never been a religious person, but he finds comfortable in struggling with Rev.Coates. It seems the nonreligious and religious like can struggle as disgruntled spiritual refuges living within the tension of their moral values. It's an hour for Alec to reflect on his week and spend time with his family. Sundays are for the family, with lunch meals of traditional pot roast with potatoes, Yorkshire pudding and a vegetable.

It is not the life Alec would've imaged for himself, running around with three children and one on the way. But it is oh so worth it, Mr. Mum taking kids to after school activities, field trips, and helping with homework. He volunteers with the local parent's group and begins to be friends with other days. Ellie is always beaming with pride at him for being the best dad he can be. He puts his family before his job, trying to be a better partner and father. Alec worships Elle, supporting her day after day. 

  
He takes off work to go to appointments with El. Alec hasn't missed one yet, his desk at work is covered with pictures of his family. He has framed several ultrasound pictures and wee Fred's art work is displayed proudly. If you look close enough, he has kept playbills of shows Daisy was cast in and keeps tallys of the games Tom's team has won. Even the new baby is a central focus in his collection, an ultrasound and picture of the night Ellie told me the news.

The family attends weekly counseling sessions and navigate the uncomfortable tension in their life. Over time, Daisy and Tom come around, understanding sometimes their Dad ins't himself. They work through the bad days when Alec doesn't have the strength to get out of bed. He relapses a time or two with self-harm, something Alec feels a lot of shame and guilt about. But through it all, he has found Ellie's steadfast support. 

Their life is the best days and the shitty days, learning to love each other through it all. But they learn to live with the grief, the anger, the sadness, the happiness, and the joy. Alec is learning quickly how love makes a family. Love is the bond that will tie all together when the going gets tough. The scripture says, true love is patient. True love is kind. True love does not boast nor is not prideful. 

One evening after the dinner has been eaten, the dishes washed, homework done, and kids in bed, Alec finds himself on the couch with El. They hold each other and watch Bake Off. When Alec rests a hand on El's swollen middle and feels the baby move under his strength. It doesn't seem fair to have gained the riches of the world, when others have lost. So DI Hardy devotes himself to his work, promising to make things right.

"You know I l bloody love you, Alec. Right?", Ellie snogs Hardy till they're both breathless. They're chest to chest, well, as close as they can be with Ellie being four months pregnant. 

"Course, I do, Ellie."

"You're it for me."

"El, what's the meaning of this?"  
  


"I don't need a wedding."

"We're practically married as it is."

"Aw, don't say it like it's a bad thing."

"It's not. I'm just saying, I'm pretty much your spouse and we're expecting a baby."

"You'll still love me when I'm ugly, right?"

  
"Ellie, you'll never be ugly to me."

"Shut up and kiss me."

Alec laughs and kisses Ellie. They break apart when they're breathless again. 

"Give me your ring."

"Why?", Alec asks taking it off. He watches as Ellie takes hers off.

"Marry me you idiot."

"We agreed on that."

"Indulge me, silly. Say something kind and put that ring on my finger."

"If you'll have me, El, I promise to be your partner as long as I have breath in my lungs.". Alec gets teary and puts the ring back on her finger.

"You're my person, Alec. I love you even when you're a fucking knob.", Ellie places the thin silver band back on Alec's finger where it belongs. 

"Miller, you may kiss me now.", they share a tender kiss.

"I pronounce us wife and husband.", Ellie laughs.

They're both laughing hard at this point. It might seem silly to some to get married in the living room. No priest, no ceremony, no witness but the baby kicking in El's womb. It just so them. Alec and Ellie mutually decide to get engaged, picked rings out together. They're married in very meaning of the word, just not on paper. All that matters if they're chose love. Love is what makes a family, more than DNA, more than blood, more than marriage ceremonies and piece of paper. All you need is love, and love do they have.


End file.
